Could be worse
When I start to feel really depressed about working for a crumbling industry, there are few things that can snap me out of my funk. Food, drink and endless rounds of Wii tennis help, but when things are really bad, I know there’s only one thing to do: Compare myself to even more helpless bastards.
So take heart, my cohorts! Here are 5 industries with an even more bleak outlook than newspapers.
1) Airline industry – I was going to write a long explanation for why I think this industry is in worse shape than ours, but I saw this headline today and realized that it says everything: “Canadian airline removes life vests to save weight, fuel” It’s similar to us introducing the chance of random death upon opening our paper. Final thoughts: Airlines as facing some tough times, but people have to fly, so at worse airlines go back under governmental control.
2) RIAA – If you need an explanation of why the RIAA sucks, you shouldn’t be allowed on the internets. I mean, they’re punishing a blogger for posting lyrics to a new Guns n’ Roses song. They should be happy that anyone even gives a damn. Final thoughts: These guys might actually be in worse shape than us! Their own mothers hate them, they can’t even give away tickets to their DNC party in Denver, and they once opened a $1.65 trillion lawsuit against AllofMp3.com.
3) Bush administration – Holy God. Where do I start. An unjustified war nearing $600 billion (remember the guy they fired for estimated that the war might cost as much as $100 billion?) Our VP shot somebody in the face and his victim apologized for the VP’s inconvenience a few days later. Dead baby parties at the White House (sources unverified), and more. Final thoughts: Much, much, much more despised than us, but the coupe de grace falls in a few months, so it doesn’t matter.
4) Domestic auto industry – Poorly designed, cheaply made and threatened by a deluge of competitors with better ideas. They’re just like us! Except, of course, we would actually noticed if our cars weren’t in our driveways in the morning. Final thoughts: I need a fucking car.
5) Finance – The finance industry is falling faster than my home’s value. Not funny. I already regret commiting to five industries, so I’m not going to city and examples. There are so many unemployed financiers in NYC that many have cut back to two hookers and 40mg of coke a night. Final thoughts: Many of these bastards get a year’s salary severance, and as soon as the economy picks up they’re back to bathing in Cristal so they don’t count.