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Earthquakes, tsunamis, Fox News

It’s a beautiful Saturday morning and I’m at the dealership getting my oil changed. Fox News is on a flat-screen TV next to the coffee maker.

As you’d probably guess, their coverage is dedicated to the recent events in Japan.

One host, a guy aged past the Fox blonde-hair, blue-eyed, strong-jawed requirements, is hyping the crowd with tales of what could happen if one of the Japanese nuclear plants go into full melt-down.

At one point he mentioned something about tens of thousands of tons of molten steel blowing sky-high and doing something somewhere. So yeah – you get the idea.

A guy in Dickies and Earnhardt T-shirt is watching. Lots of images of crying Japanese are on the screen and of course, arial shots of the destruction. Another guy, a salesperson, walks up and asks Dickies what the TV is talking about.

“They say a nuclear plant in Japan has gone into melt-down and they’re talking about how it’s going to affect us.” Shit, I thought. The Fox News guy was talking hypotheticals, not fact. But it wasn’t Dickies fault, of course, because if you hadn’t seen the segment intro you wouldn’t have know that it was a simulation.

Another guy joins Dickies and Salesperson. He looks like a douche. He also asks what’s going on. “A nuclear plant has exploded and they’re showing us how soon it will be here,” says Salesperson. Oh no.

Douche responds with a dismissive “Oh, OK,” and walks away. I guess that defused the tension because Dickies and Salesperson break up.

I’m still trying to decide what in that situation was most effed up. Fox News’ gross over-exaggeration of a hypothetical, the crowd’s unblinking acceptance, or the willingness to walk away from a nuclear disaster large enough to affect the States from Japan.

My friend Pierce

Most of you know Pierce. Many of you have spent a night drinking with Pierce.

For those of you who haven’t, here’s exactly what it’s like.

Jonathan’s top Pre photos of 2010-ish

In case you can’t tell, I’m working the Sunday shift and bored. Terribly bored.

But boredom stimulates my creativity! So here are my best photos of 2010-ish, as shot by my increasingly worthless Palm Pre. Click for the Flickr gallery.

2011 will be my b-word

I made one New Years resolution in 2010.

And I failed.

I was going to buy a straight razor, learn how to use it, learn how to care for it and learn how to be a better man. Alas. I did begin Aikido this year, which seems like the sort of thing people would normally add to a list, so maybe that can become my retro-active accomplishment.

On to 2011! This year I will do many things, but here are two I’m going to measure: Learning javascript and CSS. But for real. I can read and troubleshoot both of those languages, but I don’t have a thorough understanding of either. So there it is. My geek-tastic list.

While speaking of goals, Diana has decided that January 2011 will be entirely meat-free. Since I am such an awesome, loving and flawless husband, I have decided to accept the task of making vegetarian dinners for us both.

And for lunch, BACON EVERY DAY.

Friend survey!

Friend survey time. Answer truthfully. No crossing your fingers.

If you drop a hands-drying paper towel on the floor in a bathroom that is not your own, do you pick it up or leave it languishing in the unknown bacterial cesspool that is the floor in a public bathroom?

Comment below

Hispanic/American relations

Tired of exerting our massive intellect into the black hole that is work, Luis and I teamed up to create a plot synopsis for the best movie ever. The trick? One word at a time, taking turns. Behold the results:

Once I’m stranded again, lost, wet, shivering. That begs for indifference but never expect anything quite as empty as that. Remember, everybody’s friends aren’t zombies. Still, it’s perfectly legal to touch their nice, round, soft, skulls with bats. When the wind stops and the Irishmen fall, only bullets can comfort my soul.

That’s not my kid but it is my picture

I don’t know how I became so good at everything, but I’m glad it happened.

Pic is of my bestie Luis and his newly 2-year-old son, Lucas. Luis has never formally announced it, but I am Lucas’ grandfather. All pics on my Flickr page.

Yes, no, really

This afternoon I had the most wtfomgdayum conversations ever had by anyone ever. Brace yourself.

I’m sick and left work early to go home and rest. Well, today is the day our repairman finally decides to show up and finish some repairs we had been asking for. A solitary creature, especially when sick, Jonathan was forced out of him home and into the streets.

I decided to stop by the optometrist and pick up some contacts I had recently ordered. Basic, boring chore, all the less notable while sick. Except for this next part.

I strike up a Dayquil-induced conversation with the receptionist while she’s fetching my contacts and I mention that I’m sick and just out of work. She says to me, “Yeah, I’m sick too, but I have something else going on so I’ll just combine the two trips and go to the ER tonight.”

She tossed it out there so I felt OK taking a swing.

“What’s bad enough to plan a trip to the ER?”

“Well, I have a second job at the mortuary. Last night this O.D. came in and I was working on her. The doctors there are always yelling at me to hurry up.”

She walks out of my eyesight at this point and keeps talking from the back room.

“So the doctors are yelling at me to hurry up and they’re always stressing about things. So as I’m cleaning my equipment after the examination, one of them come up behind me and yells. I kind of jerk up and stab myself with one of the dirty needles I had used on the body.”

This lady is back in front of me and I hold on to the counter with both hands hoping to emit a faux-cool, James Dean thing while my mind fights to escape out of my ears.

“Turns out this lady might have HIV and Hepatitis C, so now I have to go get tested. The needle I had stabbed myself with I was using down in her belly, just below the sternum. I had the belly clamped open and….”

She stopped. She could tell I had enough and I had.

We kept talking after this, mostly me asking stupid questions like in sex ed in 7th grade when you’re really not prepared for the issue at hand but feel like you should learn more just in case it comes in handy later. She was all very matter-of-fact about the whole thing and like I mentioned earlier, planned an ER trip to deal with it. She might be there now.

Now, in case you do a bunch of blog reading, you’re probably disinclined to believe this story. Well believe it. It isn’t April 1, Halloween is passed and it sure as shit ain’t a Thanksgiving parable. It happened, and this lady now has the best “It-happened-to-me” story ever and I’m left with a permanent brain scar.

Any questions? Ask away. I probably either asked her (like “Um, you didn’t do anything about that RIGHT THEN? Like scream and push the red contamination button that bathes everyone in a green mist and red light?”) or have since wondered.

Awwww yeah

Hey. Check it out.

nuinca.tumblr.com

I’m posting one photo a day about a monthly topic. This month: My sweet ride.

Why bother

In 1565 Spanish explorer and admiral Pedro Menendez de Aviles founded St. Augustine, Fla., which has gone on to be the longest continuously occupied European city in America.*

Now, I’m no historian, but I have to assume that those guys showed up wearing lots of wool and steel. Probably no air-conditioning. Flash forward to 2010 where I have lightweight clothes, near-constant access to cold air, and endless supplies of refreshing beer.

But if I were to discover Florida today, I’d say “Fuck it,” get back on my boat and sail away. Lord it’s been a hot summer.

*thanks, wikipedia