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Snake jumps the shark

The Bronx Zoo’s missing cobra began tweeting on March 28. Or, as it shall be known in 18 months, The Day Twitter Died.

Pseudonyms have had a long, proud history on the internet. Fake Steve Jobs, mysterious bicyclists in NYC, profane Rahman Emmanuel and me pretending to be 5 years older that one time in an AOL chat room. But this damned cobra is ruining it all.

Now every time a person, place, thing or shitty reptile pops up in the news, a fake Twitter account will be there to greet the national press. The snake isn’t even clever. Heres a tweet:

@BronxZoosCobra “Getting on the ferry to Ellis Island. Let’s hope this goes better than that time on the plane.” That sort of crap had earned him 200,000 followers.

Le sigh.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, Fox News

It’s a beautiful Saturday morning and I’m at the dealership getting my oil changed. Fox News is on a flat-screen TV next to the coffee maker.

As you’d probably guess, their coverage is dedicated to the recent events in Japan.

One host, a guy aged past the Fox blonde-hair, blue-eyed, strong-jawed requirements, is hyping the crowd with tales of what could happen if one of the Japanese nuclear plants go into full melt-down.

At one point he mentioned something about tens of thousands of tons of molten steel blowing sky-high and doing something somewhere. So yeah – you get the idea.

A guy in Dickies and Earnhardt T-shirt is watching. Lots of images of crying Japanese are on the screen and of course, arial shots of the destruction. Another guy, a salesperson, walks up and asks Dickies what the TV is talking about.

“They say a nuclear plant in Japan has gone into melt-down and they’re talking about how it’s going to affect us.” Shit, I thought. The Fox News guy was talking hypotheticals, not fact. But it wasn’t Dickies fault, of course, because if you hadn’t seen the segment intro you wouldn’t have know that it was a simulation.

Another guy joins Dickies and Salesperson. He looks like a douche. He also asks what’s going on. “A nuclear plant has exploded and they’re showing us how soon it will be here,” says Salesperson. Oh no.

Douche responds with a dismissive “Oh, OK,” and walks away. I guess that defused the tension because Dickies and Salesperson break up.

I’m still trying to decide what in that situation was most effed up. Fox News’ gross over-exaggeration of a hypothetical, the crowd’s unblinking acceptance, or the willingness to walk away from a nuclear disaster large enough to affect the States from Japan.

My friend Pierce

Most of you know Pierce. Many of you have spent a night drinking with Pierce.

For those of you who haven’t, here’s exactly what it’s like.

The first last anniversary

Today, January 14, is Pierce’s 28th birthday. It’s also the one year anniversary of Joellen’s passing. Yep, the same day.

Diana and I drove up to Columbia to surprise Pierce at his birthday dinner, and it worked fabulously. Later in the night I also had a couple drinks from his Blue Label birthday present, which has helped make this 22 hour day totally worth it.

At one point, Pierce’s roommate asked if I had any embarrassing Pierce stories to tell. Of course, burrito, being the most famous, had been told to death. Besides a couple other anecdotes, I had nothing substantial to add to the lore.

I spent 5 years of my life with Pierce, with him far more than I probably should have. Where have all the stories gone?

And what about all of the other stories from my youth and my during my now? Who is going to remember these things and what happens when the memories are gone?

Jonathan’s top Pre photos of 2010-ish

In case you can’t tell, I’m working the Sunday shift and bored. Terribly bored.

But boredom stimulates my creativity! So here are my best photos of 2010-ish, as shot by my increasingly worthless Palm Pre. Click for the Flickr gallery.

2011 will be my b-word

I made one New Years resolution in 2010.

And I failed.

I was going to buy a straight razor, learn how to use it, learn how to care for it and learn how to be a better man. Alas. I did begin Aikido this year, which seems like the sort of thing people would normally add to a list, so maybe that can become my retro-active accomplishment.

On to 2011! This year I will do many things, but here are two I’m going to measure: Learning javascript and CSS. But for real. I can read and troubleshoot both of those languages, but I don’t have a thorough understanding of either. So there it is. My geek-tastic list.

While speaking of goals, Diana has decided that January 2011 will be entirely meat-free. Since I am such an awesome, loving and flawless husband, I have decided to accept the task of making vegetarian dinners for us both.

And for lunch, BACON EVERY DAY.

In defense of the desert

This marks the second year I’ve spent the holidays in the desert.

The first year I was suspicious – what could be less American than a joyous noel without cold, coats and frosty noses?

Of course, you faithful Nuinca.com readers will remember my memoirs from last Christmas, which involved wicked shin scars from skiiing in Flagstaff without boot socks, and freezing my butt off while chasing a coyote via golf cart.

I think this second year might have changed my mind. Sure, it was in the upper 60′s today with mid-summer sun, but there’s something pretty damned cool about Christmas in the desert.

Friend survey!

Friend survey time. Answer truthfully. No crossing your fingers.

If you drop a hands-drying paper towel on the floor in a bathroom that is not your own, do you pick it up or leave it languishing in the unknown bacterial cesspool that is the floor in a public bathroom?

Comment below

Hispanic/American relations

Tired of exerting our massive intellect into the black hole that is work, Luis and I teamed up to create a plot synopsis for the best movie ever. The trick? One word at a time, taking turns. Behold the results:

Once I’m stranded again, lost, wet, shivering. That begs for indifference but never expect anything quite as empty as that. Remember, everybody’s friends aren’t zombies. Still, it’s perfectly legal to touch their nice, round, soft, skulls with bats. When the wind stops and the Irishmen fall, only bullets can comfort my soul.

That’s not my kid but it is my picture

I don’t know how I became so good at everything, but I’m glad it happened.

Pic is of my bestie Luis and his newly 2-year-old son, Lucas. Luis has never formally announced it, but I am Lucas’ grandfather. All pics on my Flickr page.